I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.