I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.