I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.