Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.