I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.