I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.