The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.