I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.