Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.

I love Steven Wright.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.