One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."