One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.