One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.