I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.