I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.