I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.