I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.