One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.