You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.