I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.