I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'