I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.