A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri MartinMan versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.
Demetri MartinAfter going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.
Demetri MartinI can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri MartinTo some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if Iโve got a problem or what it is that I am โlooking at.โ And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am โGet Him!"
Demetri Martin