I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.