I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.