I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.