I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.