The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.