The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.