I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.