Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Vampires probably don't have great breath.
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?