Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.