Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.