Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.