When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'