Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.