A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.