A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.