A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.