A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.