A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.