Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.