Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.