My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.