Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.