A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.