A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.