I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.