I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

I love Steven Wright.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.