I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.