When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.