When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Most stick people are black.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I need to develop some patience - immediately.