When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?