The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.