The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.