We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.