If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.