Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.