To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.