It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.