Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.