It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."