Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.