I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.