I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.