I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.