If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.