A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I like people, for a little while.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'