I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.