I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.