I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.