I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I love Steven Wright.

Most stick people are black.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.