I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.