I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.