Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.