I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.