Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.