When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!