When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'