And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.