People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.