Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'