Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'