Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.