I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'