I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!