My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.