My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.