My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.