If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.