If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.