Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.