I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.