I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.